During this season, as we head toward the Solstice I am reminded, because of a recent episode of burn out, that one of the reasons I experienced alcohol use disorder was because of my tendency to over-work, over-do, over-give, over-function. So this is a very short post to honour my need to rest and I would like to leave a poem that gives my such solace and a little video of the meadows I walk in each day which also provide solace.
If you resonate with over-functioning, learning to undo this is a practice. It’s even more normative and socially rewarded ( especially in women ) than drinking. What would allow you to rest 1% more? What can you take off the list? Do you notice the old perfectionist tendencies creeping in? Can you say to yourself ‘Today I am sober and the rest is ‘good enough’?
How can we drop in, allow ourselves to ‘be’ a little more. We say we feel ‘guilty’ but I think that’s a word we use when we feel uncomfortable of anxious when we stop. Can we nurture ourselves to rest with mindful movement rather than screech to a halt and wonder why it’s so uncomfortable? Can we remember that coming into land through the down shifting of the nervous system as the cortisol leaves feels super uncomfortable but on the other side of that discomfort is that rest we seek?
Rest Here - Summer
I wander in the tall grass, the swish of breeze in the trees
This midsummer the meadow is intoxicated
It falls in love with itself
If I can just drop in, catch the flow, really ‘be’ here I can feel it and be renewed.
This is why I come here each day.
Why can I not? I tread the paths and cry and try. Why can I not ?
Drink in a flower. Why can I not? Search the sky… why can I not?
Deflated I sink onto a bench and my teary, bleary eyes
The big dog gambols scattering pollen dust and the small one waits patiently by me.
Love says to me ‘You do not have to drop in. You could not lose me if you tried. I already am you.’
‘Your gait tells a different story to the meadow today. Yesterday one of a million dew drops lit up like fairy lights, today your sadness. I have room for it all.’
And then a moment of connection. Not fireworks or cloudburst today, but a pulse. Proof of life.
Do less. Let be. Walk each other home.
Tea, bed.
By Kate Baily
As I mentioned earlier, The Cult of Busy is an insidious one because like alcohol use it is culturally normative and rewarded. But busyness and over work gains much social approval, especially for women at the cost of ourselves. If we talk about rest are we scared we will be judged as privileged? The overworking for many of us is an economic requirement, and if not it is still a social requirement, so how can we claw back some of this precious time and rest more, do less, buy less, try less.
Sometimes our hand is forced by burn-out, health or a mental health crises. But why do we have to hit the wall before we stop? Mention ‘burn-out’ as I did earlier and people will nod and accept but if you say that you are really well and ‘not up to much’ I suspect there may be tumbleweed. This tells me we don’t know what to do with a subject or that it’s taboo.
I do know that many of us drink or drank alcohol as a way to ‘relax’ and switch off after being too busy and it’s convenient if we do and it keeps us on the treadmill of productivity. Rest is resistance. Rest is rebellion. Why do you not deserve to rest before you hit a wall?
Radical self care has been a focus of my work and recovery for nearly a decade now and taken me into training with Irene Lyon in the neurobiology of stress, it’s seen me discover Yin Yoga and Yoga Nidra, and I find yoga so powerful I’m now training as a yoga teacher. So resting the body and mind can be found in practices and places of creative flow and is a matter of health and survival, not a luxury.
What it looks like as self -talk and mental gatekeeping might look like news fasting, a social media break and really truly not future tripping and coming back to the basics of One Day at A Time, I am sober and the rest is good enough, dialling things down by a 1/3 and blocking rest time out in your calendar. Sometimes we are so dysregulated it needs to be almost forced because we are not able to feel our amber flags of stress yet.
I find a good place to start is by being curious, encouraging mindfulness, and reflecting with likeminded others or in my journal. And that requires my to use diary as a weapon of choice and conciousness - block it out, make it visible or it will get swallowed up by the rest of the to-dos.
What do you need to do today to dial things down, friend? How can you prioritise you today?
I wish this for you and for me and us all.
And don’t drink even if your ass is on fire.
Love Kate x
Buy my book Love Your Sober Year for Seasonal prompts, journaling and wellness tools to support your sobriety or Love Yourself Sober for radical self care and coaching tools.
Love Your Sober Year: https://mybook.to/loveyoursoberyear
Love Yourself Sober: https://mybook.to/LoveYourselfSober