When I think about my 16 year old self I am in awe of her creativity, energy, bravery and willingness to go out into this world without boundaries, without armour and with all her fire. She was beautiful, angry, spiritually charged, busy by-passing and hot with a highly erotic and misplaced Jesus Crush. She was really fucked up. And she knew it. Jesus crush was replaced by a crush on the lead singer of The Waterboys and an obsession - literally an obsession (lifelong) with Kate Bush. She was into all things pagan and witchy, bought incense and books from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Mail Order catalogue. She smoked and drank and prayed. She bought a guitar from a friend at 16 and from then on only dated boys with motorbikes or who were musicians. Not consciously but it just kinda happened.
Me in the middle on Beltane 1997. My beautiful friend Raina on the right from San Francisco who is no longer with us, and gorgeous Vic on the left.
I was thinking about this today, on Beltane, this midpoint between equinox and solstice. I feel this day deep in my bones although for years I hid my love of the seasons, the way they inform my moods, choices, reading material, music. They pulse and cycle helping me to reflect on lessons still to learn, on loves passed, friendships lapsed and rekindled, hobbies picked up and put down and some wounds still yet to heal. The bluebells take me back to the first Spring at Uni in Kent, knee deep in them and a ‘break down’ as they called it then. I didn’t know about anxiety or ADHD - I the compulsive spirals ‘thinking’ and I knew when I drank I felt better.
I am at present in the house with three teens this morning - 13, 15 and 16. I am mum, and I nag them about the washing up, vaping, smoking weed in the house, bringing plates down, getting up. They are brilliant and irritating. I am saturated with teen energy and as I cycle through this menopause I have a quiet laugh to myself because secretly I can out do any of them in Rock & Roll, in the times I played in sticky-floored London venues, travelled the world without a phone or social media and with travellers cheques, saw the birth of Rave Culture as I waved goodbye to Punk, New Romance and Goth.
It’s a privilege this ageing thing. I am sober, I have been sober mostly for a decade, since my eldest was 6 and a sober streak of 8 years. I get to play with tarot, listen to my playlists on Bose headphones in the woods, I don’t care if people see me dance. I dance sober, I dance in the bluebells. I still feel anxious from time to time, a lot of the time. I manage myself with yoga. I married the bass player in my band, who is my rock. I had wanted to play piano since I was 13. I even asked the vicar if I could use the one in the church and he said no. My husband bought me a piano for my 35th birthday and I started to play. Last night I picked up a guitar for the first time in years and started writing a song. I work hard at being the best mum I can be, learning boundaries, identifying my triggers, what’s mine, what’s not etc., staying present and staying sober. I pretend I am much more level than I am .. but don’t we all? I pretend I know what I am doing.
If you have never struggled with alcohol or neurodivergence or a mental health challenge you may or may not get it but if you have - if you are still struggling with alcohol or know it’s not quite working or it’s taking too much you will. The butterfly, mind, a thousand seasons in a day. The never settling. The feeling of being an imposter from a lifetime of masking.
When you get sober you get to reclaim, you get second chances and you get a gift because this time you get to do your life sober and really feel into all of it. What’s that ache? It is a grief and a missing of an old wild part of me. So dance it out, do something that meets that inner teen square where she is. Meet the Rah with the Rah. What’s that ache? It’s tiredness, so rest. Tell everyone to fuck off ( probably not actually saying it) What’s that ache? It’s a fury at the fact that sometimes I feel so happy, high and connected and then I realise one day I’m going to die.
This shit is rich and real, and only you are experiencing it in the way you will! I will underline the sober message again because I know it’s helpful. Not drinking alcohol has nothing to do with anything you are. Keep it separate. If you are early days, you will find your way back eventually to all those twisty and funny and creative parts that got tangled up with it. You just have to build the sober habit first and then you get to dance on top of that foundation. It will be a strong foundation for you to dance in anyway you choose. It will come and you have time, one day and a time.
This is Beltane for me. Sap rising, rage burning, physicality, pleasure, the second celtic fire festival of the year. What lights you up, sets you on fire, what brings you pleasure? And if you need a nap first, that’s fine .. we are in our mid lives after all. And don’t drink even if your ass is on fire.
Love You
Kate x
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What an awesome inspiring piece of writing. Thank you so much. Best Beltane wishes to you and your family too xx