Light and Dark

This is a post about light and dark.

I meant to post this on Thursday, it being spring equinox and all but I find at this time, right now, being menopausal in March 2025 in the UK, in the world, I am too tired and too kind of demand avoidant to do things often when they ‘should’ be done.

I was out in the woods, had an urge to write, to try to do the housework, to book one of my teen’s vaccinations, to book the dogs’ check ups, to do yoga. I was scattered as a dandelion clock, blown by the mad March gusts and unable to grab anything.

I have been writing and speaking publicly about sobriety for nearly a decade now and have seen the landscape in the UK change dramatically to accept and represent a new way of relating to alcohol and those who don’t drink, a more nuanced discussion. I started my blog Love Sober in 2016, trained as a coach when there were literally no sobriety coaches in the UK and started the UK’s first sober curious podcast with someone I met on Soberistas, Mandy Manners. I wrote two books. Sobriety and mental health and the intersections of neurodivergence, sensory tools, self care have been my special interests and now I find myself feeling like I’m labouring the point a and really crave writing more widely. There, I said it.

A good friend of mine is coming up 10 years sober and said to me that she couldn’t quite believe it since the last 7 1/2 years have been some of the toughest to cope with in terms of life events and I totally relate.

I have been thinking about Instagram. I look at instagram posts I do and I just feel uncomfortable. And they seem dishonest because they lack nuance of the light and dark.nI am a coach and a creative and like so many rely on an online presence to run my business. But I am not selling shampoo, and it feels like I’m adding to the noise of it all and uncomfortably exposed at the same time. It is such a delicate balance it feels like the wrong tool for the job and now that Meta has removed lots of safeguarding in the name of ‘free speech’, it’s somewhere I don’t want to be, because we know what that means.

I love this space but I want to tell the truth rather than just post yogi pics of myself with well timed journaling prompts, even though dear god, how much do I live and breathe yoga these days! And of course, reflective practice is a deep love of mine.

Balance.

Maybe it all comes back to balance, light and dark, shadows and glitter - like the equinox. So, in the name of balance, a question: Where are your light and dark patches? What’s the seedy underbelly and the crown? What are the parts that adapt and protect? How do we look after them?

In yoga a central concept is Samadhi - balance, equanimity, holding the truth and the complexity from calm and non-reactive space. As is. We practice daily to soothe and regulate the nervous system, calm the mind, build robust neural pathways. We can have a chance at open heartedness, truth, self- acceptance and interconnectedness.

The poet Rumi puts this so beautifully in his poem The Guest House from the 13th Century.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Copyright 1997 by Coleman Barks from The Illuminated Rumi.

Sobriety for me is the unfolding layers of loving hard on those shadow parts and protector parts and coming back each day to check in with them. I truly believe that we have the responsibility to attend to ourselves so we can show up in the world - so I know some people in my life think this is naval gazing or that I think too much. I call it self leadership and dealing with my shit so you don’t have to.

I have had days recently when I have barely got out of bed, eaten bacon sandwiches and chocolate croissants. Days I want to hide under the covers, angry, furious days, resentful days. I said to a client recently who is early days sober that I may be all about the yoga and the retreats now but for the first year all I did was get through parenting and my domestic load and watch Netflix. Sometimes I am still just about that. Mantra: I am Sober and the rest is Good Enough. I have ADHD and the hyperactivity and impulsivity propels me out of bed in the morning so my usual level of activity, lauded by capitalism isn’t a wonderful work ethic, it’s my difficulty in sitting still and the compulsion of the multiverse I need to create each day. And also I have a house to clean and a business to run…..

I have two home educated neurodivergent teenagers, one who had significant mental health challenges who is doing SO WELL now ( thank all the gods) but who had a really awful time a couple of years ago. I have another who is autistic and has ongoing substance challenges and who has been with the Youth Justice Team. He’s now engaged with a tutor and retaking GCSEs two years ‘behind’ and is as far as I can see in recovery from being a teenage boy in these times and a school system which is not fit for purpose. He’s got a girlfriend of two years, who we have essentially adopted, who I take to the dentist and teach how to use the washing machine, and about reproductive health. You won’t find that on an instagram feed. Of course not, it’s kind of TMI. Or is it? I mean life is pretty hard for most people I know right now. So why not use them as vehicles of honesty and connection rather than to post about the colleges our kids have got into or the exam results and perpetuate the Maya ( the great illusion in Yoga history) in some weird complicity to be part of our collective comparisonitis and feelings of ‘not quite enough-ness’?

That’s neatly summarised with a bow. The reality of living with high needs within the family on a daily basis means I have to as a matter of survival have a self care tool kit and practice as robust as a nuclear bunker. Hence, Thank Fuck for sobriety, the sisterhood, the woods daily and yoga and my yoga community. Thank fuck for my husband. These tools are essential for my mental health and nervous system as are the HRT and sertraline.

Sometimes self care looks like calling the police if there’s a violent autistic meltdown fuelled by alcohol. And don’t ask, how on earth do the kids get alcohol? Kids can get their hands on anything they want. Then a restorative conversation and working out how to fix broken things around the house. Then the internal repair of trust building, the recovery of the nervous system, the strain on the marriage. You won’t see that on my insta feed, either. It can be very isolating too because if you have no experience of it you can’t relate and opinions are the least helpful things on the planet. Light and shade. Light and shade. Compassion, self compassion, honesty, sharing the the burdens.

This week too, some light. A homestead farm nearby who saw my daughter in her hour of need and gave her a position of responsibility caring for the animals. This place rescues kids and animals alike. I found out another child who was struggling there is now thriving. Friends checking in on me. The yoga community, my community yoga class, the sober community, people remembering what they love, a client realising they can go clubbing sober, thoughtful voice notes, someone caring about hedge rows, a hug, the daffodils.

For me coaching doesn’t come from a place of having some rarified life or from having it figured out, it comes from a place of knowing some of the tough stuff and having some great strategies for getting sober, building resilience and hope, of the reality of grit of living, the light and dark of it and the building of solid foundations for self leadership and being pivotal in our families’ lives. And then from that solid foundation, the joy, the laughter and the flow that is part of the slipstream too. It comes from reflecting strengths and using resources because we are so, so much stronger and more capable than we often give ourselves credit for. And stepping out from the hiding places and connecting authentically is such a blessed relief.

Love hard on yourselves, share some of the hard stuff with people you love. Get some fresh air. Reach out, you are not alone. Look at the daffs.

I am going to leave you with a text from someone I don’t know very well but with whom I had a micro connection with this week when I had a chat and found myself shedding a tear and feeling a bit embarrassed.

‘‘It was so lovely to see you yesterday. I don’t mind you crying. Look forward to catching up next time. Tap into that spring energy and allow your faith in the good to grow with it. Better things are coming for all of us.’’

So wise, so kind. It helped me so I hope it helps you too if you need it.

Much love,

Kate x

Love Your Sober Year: https://mybook.to/loveyoursoberyear
Love Yourself Sober: https://mybook.to/LoveYourselfSober